Two and a Half Men

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Best of Two and a Half Men Season Five Quotes

by at . Comments

In honor of the release of the Charlie Sheen 911 call, we've put together our favorite quotes from the shortened fifth season of Two and a Half Men.  Too soon?

Although season five only had 19 episodes due to the writer strike, the season still had plenty of memorable moments including the CSI crossover episode, the introduction of Mr. Waffles, and the gorgeous Jenny McCarthy guest starring.

Two and a Half Men Season 5 DVD Cover

You can browse our complete collection of Two and a Half Men season 5 quotes or browse our favorites below:

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks. | permalink
Alan: Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over. | permalink
Charlie: Hey.
Linda: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career. For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Well, yeah! Unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night, so my mother gave me what I assume was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock. | permalink
Teddy: Come on, Evelyn, give the kid a break. He was probably out last night sowing some wild oats.
Evelyn: He's 40 years old! He has no more wild oats. Just warmed over Cream of Wheat. | permalink
Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else. | permalink
Charlie: You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "Why?" You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. Do you know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be hurt feelings, and the ride home would be awkward! | permalink
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me. | permalink
Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln. | permalink

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Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.