That's it, we finally get it Heroes: this entire season has been a joke, right? You've been Punking us all along, no?
There's simply no way Ashton Kutcher doesn't come jumping out from behind our computer screens, not after an episode that accomplished positively nothing, just one week prior to the season four finale.
As a change from our usual critique of what went down on Heroes, here's a look at what did NOT happen on "The Wall."
- We didn't see Tracy, a week after the show randomly included her in a three-second scene.
- We didn't see Hiro, who viewers are supposed to be invested in because someone - what's her name? It's been so long since they've mentioned her... hmmm... ah, Charlie! - he cares about is in danger.
- We didn't see Emma act as any believable, rational individual. As a person in any way, shape or form. She's nothing but a plot device meant to create tension because - gasp! - Angela saw her in a dream.
- We didn't see Lauren escape. The show was literally too lazy to even bother finishing off that storyline.
- We didn't see Samuel do anything about his plan for world domination because he decided to take an episode-long break in order to prove to Claire that her dad was a bad dude. Why? No one knows.
- Peter and Sylar didn't escape from the latter's mind for 58 minutes, the duration of which they spent yammering back and forth about nothing that played any role in any central plot whatsoever.
- We didn't see any Hero interact with a single human being in present time. Think about that: How can this season have a single ounce of suspense to it when the Heroes deal with no one outside their own universe?!?
Seriously, fans, are we supposed to feel anxious about Samuel's grand plans because he randomly said he was taking the carnival to New York City? Are we supposed to worry about Emma killing thousands of people because Angela saw it in a dream?
Those are the two main storylines heading into next week's finale: developments that weren't built up to in any well-paced manner at all. They were just tossed out there haphazardly. A four-year old could write the Emma storyline:
We'll have someone fantasize that she's a killer and... that's it. No need to explain or show anything beyond that. It's genius!
The most painful aspects of this utterly inane, torturous hour? It was a reminder of how incredible a show Heroes used to be. Remember when such tension was built up toward a Peter/Sylar showdown that you could barely wait for the next Monday night to arrive?
Remember when a flashback to HRG's past was actually enlightening and useful, not just a time-killer that led to the 417th argument between father and daughter?
As readers of this site know, I've been awfully critical of this series for over a season now. But I can still say, unequivocally, that this was the worst episode of any show I've ever seen. Last week's installment concluded with Samuel making a big speech about coming together as a family and showing the world what the carnival was capable of. This week?
He told one person at the end that they were going to Central Park. Great follow-up, brainless writers!
It was such an awful hour of television that it's hard not to wonder if the show wasn't winking at its audience and acknowledging how illogical it's become. Didn't the entire Peter/Sylar storyline feel like a joke?
They stumbled around an imaginary world, they commented that they had no idea how much time had gone on, a wall randomly showed up, they eventually broke free because they made amends - apparently Sylar's nightmares are chock full of inspiring messages! - and they were quickly confronted by a mean dude from the carnival without any explanation of how he knew they were there, how he arrived there, why he'd be any match for Sylar's abilities, or where the heck Parkman has gone.
It made so little sense, and had such little direction, we legitimately wonder if NBC is just playing with us at this point. Either that, or it can only afford to hire third graders as writers after paying Conan O'Brien so much money. The episode also included this Sylar quote:
I can't bring Nathan back Peter, but I can sure as Hell swing a sledgehammer.
Yes, this is what the once-great villain has been reduced to: a guy that can do nothing but swing a hammer inside a pointless dream.
There. I feel better getting all that off my chest now. Anyone care to agree or - somehow, in some incomprehensible way - disagree with this assessment? I'd love to hear from you!