As the fourth season of Heroes drags to a painful close - following what one reviewer dubbed "the worst episode of any show I've ever seen" last night - many fans have been wondering:

What the heck is going on in the series writing room?

It truly seems like the show has stopped trying, as characters go weeks without appearing, storylines come to no logical conclusion, and the overall plot moves as a glacial pace.

Fortunately, the TV Fanatic staff actually has some answers. We bugged the conference table in the Heroes' offices and can reveal these exclusive quotes from the show's staff members...

Wait, Mohinder is still alive?!? Okay... let's have him attack Peter and -- what? He's no longer a Fly-like super villain? Hmmm, ok. Then let's have Hiro go back in time, invent a power where he can lock Mohinder into a mental asylum and then break him out of there a few weeks later... only for Mohinder to disappear from the show immediately again.

Huh? Tracy is still alive?!? Can we show her struggling with her ablities and looking for acceptance in life, only to vanish from the entire second half of the season? We can? Phew.

Look, I know Hiro was everyone's favorite character and the vision of him as a full-fledged, ninja-like hero in season one went over well with viewers. But we haven't made him act like a bumbling idiot in like two episodes. I think we should try that again.

Ando and Hiro look as excited to return for the fourth season finale as this viewer is to watch it.

I second that notion, but only if we can give him a brain tumor and milk sympathy out of an ignorant public that might actually believe he'll die. Only, instead of killing him, we'll have him miraculously recover via a random dream sequence we make up the day before that episode airs.

It's genius! Then, we'll have him confront Adam Monroe again and... wait, what? We killed off Adam Monroe?!? And not Sylar, who we kept around not to serve any storyline purpose, but simply because we liked the actor and lacked the guts to make such a bold move?

That's okay.. we can save Sylar. We'll just make him seem really menacing all season long and never actually do anything.

Hmm... that could work. But only if Claire is equally useless. She's spent three years trying to figure out where she belongs in the world and fighting with her father over the same issues. Why not a fourth!

Sold. But only if we can make a desperate plea for ratings by having her kiss a girl.

I think we're all missing the point: Samuel is the main bad guy this season. Should we have him do anything aside from hand out compasses to heroes here and there for the first 15 episodes?

Nah, that's probably enough. But what about his accent? Should it be American or Irish?

Why not both! He can randomly go back and forth! It will create an air of mystery to the character, since we have no clue how to do that through any sort of storytelling.

This all sounds genius. We can add another suspense-filled development by having Angela just randomly dream something. Presto, a suspenseful plot! Kudos to the guy that gave her that power. Who should it involve, though?

I don't know. Some deaf woman that serves no purpose except to be at the center of this nightmare?

Perfect. This is gonna be our best season yet...

Matt Richenthal is the Editor in Chief of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Twitter and on Google+.