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The Tudors Review: Queen Gone Wild!

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Ah, how much fun is this show now that this little idiot Queen Catherine is on the scene?

As proven last night, she is a true Tudor-era Girl Gone Wild with her love for girl-on-girl mud fights, dancing wildly around any room she enters, getting naked and covering herself with rose petals, putting on erotic puppet shows, dancing in the rain in a see-through nightgown, and having sex with lots of men.  She's loving her life, as it seems like one endless party of new clothes and gaudy jewelry. 

Her Ladies in Waiting are equally ditzy and love to shriek and giggle just as much as their Queen does.  It’s like they’re always saying, “Holy crap, girls!  Look!  We’re, like, rich now or something!”  Honestly, what do these women do all day long?  However, as the audience has figured out (due to your actual knowledge of history or just your viewing of the 10-second “What’s Coming Up on This Season of the Tudors” spot) poor Catherine is doomed.  I think I’m happy about this. 

She’s annoying already and will no doubt get even more annoying as we see lots of her fumbling antics in upcoming episodes.  But here’s what I don’t get:  Is this girl such an utter fool that she hasn’t figured out that her husband is fond of killing the wives who displease him?  Does she really think she can get away with cheating on him and everything is going to be honky-dory?  I suppose she does and this only underscores her lack of intelligence.

The Tudors Scene

That Lady Rochford is one scheming bitch - and I love it!  She was a big fan of Queen Jane Seymour and they had a good time together, Queen Jane having a normal intelligence and all. 

Now Lady Rochford wants no part of this new Queen and seems to be willing to go to great lengths to destroy her.  She’s sort of like that mean girl in high school who pretended to be nice to you but was saying and doing horrible things behind your back.  She looks at Catherine with a tight smile and barely disguised contempt.  And what is up with this Joan Bolmer?!  Is she even stupider than Catherine? 

She flounces around giving away big secrets to exactly the people who shouldn’t be told.  Now Lady Rochford and Joan Bolmer are in cahoots and working together to get Culpepper to shack up with their Queen.  Perhaps Lady Rochford has finally found a friend in this new group of lightweights.

Let’s chat about Culpepper, this new guy at the center of the action for a moment, shall we?  What exactly is his job in the Court?  This is unclear to me.  I think of him as a “Royal Underling” because he seems to have the crap jobs like finding animals for the Lords to shoot when they’re hunting and such. 

What is clear is that he is equal parts hot and creepy.  He has those icy blue eyes and that boyish haircut and you think he’s such a cutie but we know that he is really quite mean and sadistic.  I mean, look at that poor redheaded farm woman from last week’s episode.  Culpepper has his hombres hold her down while he rapes her and then murders her husband when he demands justice.  Don’t you wonder what his friends thought about that whole situation? 

None of them seemed to have any objections to either the rape or the subsequent murder.  Culpepper is the Captain of the Smoldering Stare and got a kick out of watching Catherine, his number-one object of desire, do a little dance outside in the rain in a see-through nightgown.  Clearly he’s going to do the deed with Catherine but I really wonder what will happen from there.  He’s so cruel that I can imagine he’ll throw Catherine under the bus the first chance he gets.  But what will happen to him?  Will he get in trouble for getting it on with the King’s wife?

The King still seems smitten with his new honey, at least at this point.  He thinks she’s hilarious and charming even when she’s pouting and stomping around like a spoiled child.  And, on the topic of the King, isn’t King Henry supposed to be like 300 pounds and totally repulsive at this point in his life?  The only changes I see in Jonathan Rhys Meyers from Season 1 to now are that he’s probably 15 pounds heavier and has more fake gray hair. 

Chapuys and Mary

He also looks grouchy or exhausted more often, but I could just be imagining that.  According to history, he was totally vile and that abscess on his leg reeked like a landfill.  His wives were said to be repulsed by him.  Catherine doesn’t seem repulsed; on the contrary she seems to have an insatiable appetite for him.  He’s like, “Whoa!  Down, girl!” as she clambers on top of him every ten minutes.  With the way this girl screws, how is he yet to figure out she’s no virgin?  Clearly Henry will tire of her soon and I am really looking forward to when that all goes down. 

I hope they cut off her super-fake blonde weave, the one she’s always tossing in everyone’s face.

Now to that poor wretch, the Lady Mary.  Is there any more unfortunate character in this whole show?  Well, maybe Katherine of Aragon, but let’s not get into that right now.  Poor Mary never gets what she wants and she always has to act like she is content with her shitty life.  This week when she talked trash to Queen Catherine was really the first time we heard this girl lose her temper. She’s over it.

Normally she’s always all controlled like, “Oh dear, I feel rage boiling up.  I shall go read the Bible and pray until it goes away.”  I loved it when she completely called Catherine out on being a moron.  She was not going to control herself this time and, really, who can blame her?  She has seen her dad go through a slew of wives by now and has learned a thing or two about how his affections work.  But Catherine knew how to cut her to the core when she told Mary she is destined to be an old maid.  Oh snap! 

Poor Mary - it’s probably true but not her fault in the slightest!  Remember that poor guy from last season who she really liked?  I knew that moment of sweet little puppy love was doomed but I so hoped for her that it would work out.  For once she was actually happy.   

Finally, I want to beg the stylists of this show to make one important change:  For God’s sake, shave off Charles Brandon’s beard!  He is arguably the most handsome guy on this show and his hotness is being completely hidden by this new pirate-y look.  Ugh, it’s terrible and must go.  Maybe the writers can add in a side bit about a scourge of lice at the palace and then he’ll have to shave it off?  That could work!

Review

Editor Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
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User Rating:

Rating: 4.3 / 5.0 (15 Votes)

Matt Richenthal is the Editor in Chief of TV Fanatic. Follow him on Twitter and on Google+.

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Haven't watched this show since the first season. I watched this past sunday, April 18.......and kept wondering why....this is essentially soft porn, don't you think? I mean it is disguised as "history" and all wrapped up in luscious costumes, lighting, sweating, nature, and lots of strong emotions. I can see why it is so popular - it is equally fun to shout out sarcastic/snide remarks at a villin or a vixen - or to cheer on a victim of bullying! It is today set in yesterday.... The reviewer has a great wit and interesting sense of humor - vivid descriptions.....