The Tudors Review: Katherine is the $hit
Poor, poor Katherine.
Things are really starting to get out of control for her. Not only does her nasty ex, Dereham, show up at the castle on this week's episode and proceed to act like a complete ass, but Culpepper is also treating her like shit. Twice now (once last episode and once this episode) Culpepper has referred to Catherine as, “my own sweet little fool.”
Katherine seems not to be aware that this is an insult. Actually, we don’t even know if the girl hears him when he says this. This week he calls her a fool right as she is going down on him. Why doesn’t she pause the BJ and say something like, “Hmm? Sorry? What did you just call me?” Culpepper doesn’t seem to realize he is in a very vulnerable position in relation to her teeth to be talking trash to this girl. Chomp, chomp - that would show him.
All these men in Katherine’s life - the King, Culpepper, this new douche Dereham, - seem to love that she is an expert in the sack, but they hate the realization that she has to be everything short of a prostitute to get this way. It’s quite a double standard.
When Katherine first laid eyes on this ex, Dereham, a look passed over her face that was very familiar to me and most likely any woman watching the show. It’s the look a girl gets when she sees a guy she wishes she had never been with. It’s like Katherine was realizing what we’ve all realized: “Ugh. Why did I do that with him? I must have been totally drunk. He’s nowhere near as hot as I thought he was. I wish he would just go away. I feel like I’m going to vom.”
But, luckily for us, running into our old flings usually doesn’t lead to us getting beheaded. The same can’t be said for Katherine. Looks like this little lady is on a one-way train, next stop: Guillotine-ville!
Speaking of trains, watching this new train wreck Dereham was both fun and uncomfortable. He’s a bumbling idiot and obviously has no idea that his bawdy talk could lead to serious trouble (a.k.a. violent death) for himself and others. The other palace staffers are disgusted with him and wish he’d leave. No one wishes he would leave more than Katherine but she can’t really do anything about it. She knows that if she pisses Dereham off he’s likely to go to the King and say, “Guess what? I tapped that before you did!”
And then her life expectancy is down to one delightful day in the Tower of London.
Why doesn’t Katherine just have Dereham killed and done away with? I feel like that had to be so easy back in the days before forensic evidence and fingerprints and whatnot. Just poison him and chuck his body out with the groveling populace. Who would even notice? They’d think he was one of the three gazillion people who died each day of tuberculosis or rat bites or the plague or untreated syphilis. Or, if you’re not feeling creative, stab him and toss him in a river, for god’s sake.
Really all you have to be sure to do is get rid of his palace uniform and the bling that goes along with it. Without the clothes, all of these royal underlings would look no different than any other random townsperson. If this jerk was gone, then Katherine could go back to ditzing around all day without a care in the world. Alas, we all know this will not happen.
The thought that kept popping into my head as I watched this new guy was that Derrim is just like all the young idiots on The Real World and Road Rules or Jersey Shore (or, quite frankly, any of the shows on MTV or VH1). He gets drunk, stumbles around, talks shit about everyone around him, starts fights, and embarrasses himself and others. Really the only things missing are the hot tubs, the Yeager shots, and the room full of bunk beds for him to pass out in. Don’t you wonder if guys really acted like this back then?
Maybe this is some sort of modern take on young adult male behavior of long ago. I wonder what a “bad boy” of the Tudor era was really like. I can’t quite imagine that they would have uttered the line that Derrim uttered tonight (quite possibly the best line ever on The Tudors thus far): “I’ve had her by the cunt and I would know it among 100 others.” I mean, this line is scandalous even by today’s raunchy standards. I am not sure that I buy people talking like this back then, even losers like Dereham.
That shrewd Lady Rochford definitely has this new guy’s number. She and Joan Bolmer had a conversation about him as they watched him act like a moron and talk trash about the Queen. I thought it would be helpful for you if I translated this conversation into the current vernacular:
Lady Rochford: “Is he always so familiar?” (Translation: “This guy is a complete jackass.”)
Joan Bolmer: “That is his way.” (Translation: “Yep.”)
Lady Rochford: “Lord help us.” (Translation: “Fuck me. We’re stuck with him now.”)
This new guy spells trouble and I can’t wait to see how he makes Katherine’s world comes crumbling down.