Jersey Shore Review: Team Meatball!
I think I speak for everyone when I say: "Italy, I'm so, so sorry."
Sweet mother of indecent behavior, Deena and Snooki should not be allowed out together ever again. First, they "make out" (read: try to swallow each other whole) in front of a bar full of horrified onlookers. Then, they slam into the back of an Italian police car and get hauled off to jail. Como si dice en Italiano "hot mess"????
In all honesty, Snooki and Deena may have been on their worst behavior this week in "Meatball Mashup," but this was also one of the best episodes of Jersey Shore ever. Ev-er. I am so on Team Meatball - or was it Team Kooka? - that I could never really be mad at them.
I can, however, be nauseated by how many times they had to blur out Deena's crotch. And Snooki's. They might also consider blurring out overly aggressive tongue action, too, but then everyone on the show would spend entire episodes buried in pixelation.
Les-bi-honest here guys, PDA action is gross. Not same sex PDA - all PDA - and nobody really wants to have those images burned into their minds. I feel so badly for JWOWW and Sammi. You cannot un-see stuff like that, after all. While the girls were clearly not amused by Team Meatball's scandalous behavior, the boys at least were on point and had puns at the ready. "I need a food," slurs a still drunk and disheveled Deena. "I thought you ate enough last night," fires back Vinnie. Burn! Vinnie, if I were there, I'd give you a high five too, well played.
I'm not sure what team Deena is ultimately on, and it really doesn't matter, she's hysterical no matter who she bats for - but she should probably figure that out soon. She said she was done with the bi-curious thing after pulling a twin robbery on Vinnie a few weeks ago, but it looks like she was wrong. Either way, she's clearly pro-kooka (my bad, "vagine") and anti getting regular bikini waxes. Remedy that, girl, that ain't cute in any language.
Things that were amazing this week: watching them pack 15 suitcases onto the top of two teeny tiny cars ("how many guidos does it take to load a car?" apparently not enough, Jenni). What the Fiat?! Also, seeing Snooki swan dive into shrubbery. Come to think of it, she had close encounters with a lot of bushes while in Riccione...
Things that were not: Starts with "Ji-" and ends with "-onni." Just saying. Snooki, god love her, is the funniest one on that show - other than Pauly D - and she needs to be with someone who appreciates her Snooki-ness and likes her because of it, not despite it. Listening to her get reprimanded every week on the phone by Jionni is depressing, and even more annoying than watching Mike pretend to be sensitive. PS, Mike's Italian doppelganger "La Situatione" should really come back to the states. I bet that kid has no idea how many girls he could slay here. Next week's Jionni visit should be one for the history books, I just hope Snooki doesn't get deported first.
Lastly, we learned two things this week. First: they should just stop pretending these kids work and spare all of their employers having to put out a search party for them and play recycle bin hide and seek. Does anyone really care if they have a job anyway? Secondly, get out your pencils boys and girls and add another term to the dictionary - "swacking." Pretty much anything that comes out of Pauly's mouth is television gold, but I happen to agree with him on this one. Jacking someone's swagger is not cool, not cool at all. We're looking at you here, Ronnie.
Next week's tease seems to promise not to disappoint, and I hope that's true. Getting thrown into Italian jail for sucking at driving will be the least of Snooki's worries, it's dealing with Jionni's uptight ways that'll really be tricky. Snooks is looking hot these days, I'm sure she could find another meatball closer to home. Will her pint-sized man flee the country in disgust? Will Ronnie and Sammi realize that they're relationship napalm? Or will JWOWW haul off and kick all of their asses? It's anybody's guess. Either way, let's all meet back here next week, and in the meantime, "Go Team Kooka!"