The Bachelorette Season Premiere Review: Empty Suitors
Natalie Getz is a former Bachelor contestant and the first-ever winner of Bachelor Pad.
She'll be reviewing episodes of The Bachelorette for us this season, bringing her experience of the ABC series to TV Fanatic, along with - in the case of last night's premiere - her disdain for almost every Emily Maynard suitor. Read on for Natalie's first take...
The ABC casting department apparently got confused regarding which of their shows they were casting for this season, accidentally selecting the country's Biggest Losers for one of the most popular Bachelorettes to date. I'm really sorry, Emily.
This is a single mom who is stunning and looking for love. So, why on Earth cast an unattractive 41-year old? Got me! Either earrings, Ostrich eggs and old men are Emily's type... or ABC failed miserably. Let's talk about Emily's potential boyfriends and, be warned, the pickings are mighty slim.
The following are my choices for absolute worst Bachelorette suitors. Ever.
David, 32: Singing Emily's name over and over and that's about it? Yeah, he is such a great songwriter, as he clearly stated when he tried to "not toot your own horn." Not to mention, when he sings he makes an awful face.
Joe, 27: He is so cheesy and awkward. Thanks for ruining my love affair with Cheetos, jerk. If I had to guess, I'd say he is the president of his online fraternity, AlphaTauOmega.edu at the University of Phoenix online.
Kyle, 29: He has no shot. That's all.
Aaron, 36: "I'm a high school Biology teacher, but I am here to have Chemistry with you." Whoa. He just shot himself in the foot, and definitely won't be studying anatomy with Emily. Ever.
Alessandro, 30: What in the world?!? I've never heard a Minnesota accent combined with a Brazilian accent. It's "Minnzillian." Poor guy moves there and tries to have an American accent... little does he know, that's not how we all sound. He is what I imagine a creeper to look like in the toy section of a Walmart in Tennessee.
Stevie, 26: Stevie is a Party MC. Obviously for weddings in small towns and Bat Mitzvahs. You know what I mean. In case I have to spell it out: N. E. R. D. He reminds me of a word that rhythms with D-Bag. Wait, crap.
Randy, 30: Awwww! He tried so hard to be funny that he inadvertently made me laugh! He wasn't confident enough to pull it off, however, causing him to act awkward, forget to introduce himself and it sounded like an earthquake went off in his throat it was so shaky. His personality and childish looks make him super cute. Ohhhhhhhh Randy!!!
Brent, 41: I think this is the record for the oldest guy on the show. Emily is only 25. It's really creepy to think that he was getting his driver's license when Emily was exiting her mother's womb. Reality TV is not a place for a 41-year old man with six kids back home. We are all entitled to our own opinion. Mine is this: He has six kids and honestly thought he would find love with a girl nearly half his age on TV? I simply don't feel sorry for him going home. I think there are other ways he can find love and I truly wish him the best.
Travis, 30: He brought in an Ostrich egg. Need I say more?
Michael, 26: Rehab counselor. I'm not a fan of the long hair, but different strokes for different folks I suppose. Yuck. If he cut his hair, he would be so hot! What's up with guys from Austin, TX and long hair? The only thing worse is long hair in the NFL.
Jean-Paul, 35: A Marine Biologist? Cool! He won't go far, though. Interesting job, but reminds me of that guy Rachel dated on Friends who was also played by David Schwimmer. Boring and dry. Google immediately so you can see how spot on this is.
In case you didn't count, that's ELEVEN guys that you couldn't pay me to go on a date with. This is supposed to be 25 of the most eligible bachelors in America right now? HA! What a joke!
The following are the only guys worthy of being on this show. They are not making stupid jokes or trying to stand out for Bachelor Pad, but legitimately are there for Emily:
Charlie, 32: He is definitely lucky to be alive, and it shows through his new outlook on life. He certainly is a cutie! And has a big dog, thank God.
Arie, 30: Yes, you are hot. Wow. I don't think him having a career in race cars is bad at all. Clearly Emily loves racing, so this will be fun for her. He is for sure going to the top two. I can feel it!
Doug, 33: A single dad from Seattle? How many Jason Mesnick's live there? Maybe Molly can find him a great girl if it doesn't work out with Emily.
Chris, 25: A Chicagoan, huh? He gets points for that alone. He looks and acts more mature than 25, which is what Emily needs.
Nate, 25: He is the only guy that Emily commented on how cute he was! I agree with her. Yepppp-puh.
Ryan, 31: He used to be a professional athlete and now works with kids?! And he is hot? And he has a dog? Yup. He is my favorite so far. His poem idea was hysterical and so cute! See? He knows how to pull off cheesy humor in a cute, funny kind of way. (Side Note: I randomly met his friends this past weekend in Palm Springs and they had great things to say about him)
Six Guys!!!!!! There are only six guys here that even have a shot.
The following are cute, fun and sweet, but just don't seem like the kind of guy I'd cast for Emily:
Alejandro, 24: I just want to hold him like a child. He is adorable! As I hold him and rock him gently to sleep, I'm going to tear out his earrings. Boys, this is cruddy looking. Take note and take them out.
Shawn, 28: This insurance agent didn't do anything stupid... yet. Other than that, I have no impression of him.
Jef 27: Jef with one F is not very good at skateboarding, but he is the CEO of a super cool company! I like his style, swagger and playful personality. I really think Emily is into him and I can see him going to the final four, for sure! He reminds me of the cool nerd on Breakfast club.
Kalon, 27: "I use to be really loud, obnoxious, a womanizer...and I JUST hit a point in my life where I'm ready to slow down." These guys make the best husband material, because they lived their life, but he may be a little too stuffy for Emily. I already feel like he is the type to be showy with his money. And there it is... the helicopter arrival. Good gracious, Kalon, this makes you seem humble. (Question mark) Between that and the tennis, you clearly come across as poor.
Tony, 31: Tony works out. Obviously. He is really, really cute with his kid. Great looking, but pulled out a nerdy joke with the two thumbs thing, haha. He is probably only lacking with cool factor, because he spends all his time with his kid, which is absolutely adorable. He messed up with his Fairytale opener out of the limo, but we will see how he checks out.
So there you have it. That's my rundown of the season premiere and, as you can see, it could be a long one for Emily. But let's all hope it works out in the end!