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Matt Davis: With all the money the CW is making off this show, you'd think I could get a trailer and stop using this crappy storage locker as a dressing room.

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Alaric: Damn! No hot girl who I can hook up with until she turns into a vampire. I knew I should have picked door #3.

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Elena, sobbing: First Vickie, then Carolyn, then Jenna, now Alaric -- why does everyone get to be a vampire but me?

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Damon to Cole: Your brother uses her as a blood bag. You use her for batting practice. Didn't anybody ever teach you people that you don't play with your food.

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Jeremy: Okay, when you guys are done, I'll be over at the concession stand getting a walking taco.

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Elena: Tell me everything you know, or I'm going to wipe this booger on you.

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Elena to Stephan: I finally get it. She's the second person to die in my bathroom. It's my bathroom that's the problem.

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Stephan: I swear Elena, I did not do this! If I had, her head would have come off.

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Elena: This is the final test Stephan. Who do you want more right now? Her or me?
Stephan: You of course. She's already dead.

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Auctioneer: $250, that's $250, do I hear $300 for the wife, the little girl. How much will you give me for the wife and the little girl? They're tasty.