Airport Clerk: Aw, that was great.
Quagmire: Thanks. I know you have a choice in airport sex and I appreciate you choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up as the contents of your panties may have shifted during coitus. Oh right! I got a plane to catch. Say, which gate is Flight 209?
Airport Clerk: 209? That flight left half and hour ago.
Quagmire: Oh my God! Oh my God! That plane's going down! My friends are on that plane! They're all going to die!
Airport Clerk: What? Oh no!
Quagmire: And that's not the worst part. Here's the condom I said I put on.
Airport Clerk: (gasp)
Quagmire: Hahaha, aren't I just the worst?


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Family Guy Season 5 Episode 12 Quotes

Joe: Boy, this sounds like more trouble than a moose on the interstate.
(Cutaway to a guy driving on the interstate, he sees a moose holding a sign that says "Will do moose stuff for money")
Moose: Hey, can ya help me out? I'm trying to get a couple of bucks for something to eat.
Man: What's "Moose Stuff"?
Moose: Eh, whatever you want it to be. I could have sex with ya, or I could just stand over there and drink from the lake, and everything in between.
Man: Get in.

(Peter spits tobacco on the floor)
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
(Peter spits in cup and puts it on the arm of the couch)
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice.
Brian: Stewie, wait don't-
(Flashback to Stewie beating Brian)
Stewie: Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?
(Flashback ends)
Brian: Oh, nevermind.
(Stewie drinks from the cup and starts yelling)