Mr. Garrison Sr.: Would you have sex with your son to save his life?
Man at bar 1: Oh, this is one of them scruples questions ain't it?
Man at bar 2: No, no I got a better one: Would you have sex with your motherto save your father's life?
Man at bar 1: You mean like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said if you don't have sex with her, I'll kill him?
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat and said "have sex with your mother or I'm gonna kill your father while having sex with you, I would have sex with myself.

You're like the brother I never had. I mean, I have a sister, but I hate her, so this is great!

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Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression - Dr. Haim Ginott

Kate

Don't ever go to high school, Dorota. The girls are spoiled, stupid and ungrateful! One snapshot with a socialite and it's all Serena, Serena, Serena!

Blair

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.

Meredith (closing voiceover)

Rust: As sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgements. Everybody judges all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you're living wrong.
Marty: What's scented meat?

You can't ruin a friendship with sex that's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Raj

Who needs a reason for betrayal?
One must always think the worst Ragnar, even of your own kin.
That way, you avoid too much disappointment in life.

Floki

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

Matt: Don't move. You've been shot.
Vladimir: [Speaking Russian]
Matt: That sounds pretty bad, but I don't speak asshole.
Vladimir: I'm going to kill you for taking my brother's head.
Matt: You got the wrong guy. I don't kill people. Not even scumbags like you who deserve it.
Vladimir: You dropped Semyon off roof. Put him in coma.
Matt: Yeah... but he was still breathing, wasn't he?

Ron: Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004: Porterhouse, medium rare, Bearnaise sauce. January 2000: They call this one, The Enforcer. February '96: The steak ribeye. The Whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me? A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. OK, this is the first I ever went there. Look at me. Just a kid.

You know, I don't understand why women say you can't have it all. We've got everything worked out.

Juliette