Favorite Alan Harper Quotes

Charlie: I'm gonna leave this world the way I came in.
Alan: By Caesarean section?
Charlie: Alone.

Alan: You know we don't have to go out to dinner just because it's my birthday.
Melissa: Don't be silly. This is a very special night. How many times do you turn forty?
Alan: In my family, three or four.
Melissa: Well, the first one is the one that counts.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

Two and a Half Men

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