Two and a Half Men

Alan Harper Quotes (Page 3)

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Just for the record, he gets paid to go down there. I do it for the love of the game.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.
 • Rating: Unrated

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Hello Rose, I can't believe you have the guts to show up here.
Rose: I can't believe that you have the guts to still live here.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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