Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.

Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.

Alan: I won't allow you to hurt my best friend.
Rose: Calm down, you finally found a friend, do not screw it up.

Walden: I am tired of dating crazy, cheating, greedy, gold-digging bitches.
Alan: Sigh, without them, I would not have gotten laid.
Walden: And there will be no reality TV stars.

Alan: Hello Rose, I can't believe you have the guts to show up here.
Rose: I can't believe that you have the guts to still live here.

Alan: Is that a leaf-blower?
Rose: That is not what they call it in Amsterdam.

I like you in that red dress, I fell like a bull and I just want to charge.

Alan: You know how old she is.?
Walden: 18 or 19.
Alan: Well, you might lose a friend but you are not going to jail.

See, this is why communication is important in a relationship. Two minutes ago, I did not care if you lived or died, but right now..? I love you as no man as ever loved a woman.

You complete me; add another chick and I will complete myself.

Berta: Seems like this house haunted; by an old spirit that does not just want to move.
Alan: Hey , you are not blaming this on me, okay?

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.

Charlie