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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: My ex-wife tried to seduce me.
Lyndsey: Judith flirted with you?
Alan: Oh God no!!
Lyndsey: The beautiful one?

Alan: The only thing I got from the truck driver was a pack of cigarettes and an eyebrow pencil.
Walden: I gotta tell you, it is nice to be taken care of once for a change, but look who I am talking to.

Alan: Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a commitment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden: Who asked her out?
Alan: Her gynecologist.
Walden: At least he knows what he is getting into.

Just for the record, he gets paid to go down there. I do it for the love of the game.

Jake: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.

Jake: I cannot imagine being with anyone else.
Alan: I know that feeling, you fall head over heels, and then suddenly you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew.
Jake: You realize you are talking about my mother?

Alan: This time, you invited the vampire into the house.
Walden: In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.

Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.

Walden: She says wants to meet for coffee.
Alan: Oh, be careful. In my experience, when an ex wants to meet for coffee, it is either they want to borrow money or tell you that they gave you crabs.
Walden: You share too much.

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