Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan: Can I come live with you?
Evelyn: No
Alan: Oh, come one, Mom, I am going to be homeless, once he marries her; I am going to be living on the street.
Evelyn: Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills, so I visit you

Alan: Wow, seems like just yesterday, he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica.
Berta: Now, he is a fuzz-face, buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

I love my son, and more importantly, I love my country, which is why I don't think my son should have access to flying bombs, or really any kind of weapon.

Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.

Charlie's Ghost: I had to come back from hell to do it, but I finally got you out of my freaking house.
Alan: So you were just screwing with me?
Charlie's Ghost: Yep.
Alan: Why?
CG: I am in hell, Alan, that is kind of what we do.

Walden: How are you feeling?
Alan: Fantastic, I am on a morphine drip, everyone should have a morphine drip, and there will be no more drips.

Lyndsey: The guest toilet is broken; I want you to fix it.
Alan: Are we role playing? I am the naughty plumber here to snake your drain.
Lyndsey: No, you are the loving boyfriend, here to fix my toilet.

Alan: Here you go.
Walden: I gotta ask, what's with the tea? You make it for me, you make it for Lyndsey
Alan: I got a little philosophy, when someone is nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Walden: Without spending any money
Alan: You know me so well.

Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.

Jean: It was a nice movie, if you are into pornography.
Alan: I saw it, and it was not pornography.
Jean: Well, It was not Mary Poppins.

Alan: What are you doing?
Walden: Playing a racing game.
Alan: That's funny, after my divorce, I played World of War Craft for a while, hoping to meet girls.
Walden: Did you meet any?
Alan: Let just say, if you are lonely and drunk enough, everyone is a girl.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.