Two and a Half Men

Alan Harper Quotes (Page 66)

Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Okay, um, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love and all the people who love me... and Judith
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation where to scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I faux pas?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: What's so tough to understand? We're gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know: me, you, Jake, Mom, turkey. Just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I'm a family man.
Alan: But you're not.
Charlie: That's not the point. She's about to go off and marry some jerk, just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I see. You're Satan
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: This is serious, Alan. I could lose her.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She's the only one I thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: "Eventually wind up with." I'm touched. So, what, do you want to keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Do you really want me to tell a ten year old boy that someone he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in L.A., he might as well learn now
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?
 • Rating: Unrated

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