Alan Harper Quotes
Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet
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Alan [about Judith]: What am I supposed to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah: put her in a hotel, put her in a space capsule, put her in a catapult and see how far she flies
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Alan: And what are you afraid of?
Charlie: Let's see: large birds, small bugs, unplanned pregnancy, and your ex-wife living in my house
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Alan: Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
Charlie: What earthquake?
Alan: What earthquake? About an hour ago. You didn't feel the house shaking?
Alan: Unbelievable, you actually though that was you?
Charlie: No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me. The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit
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Jake [looking at yearbook pictures]: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
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Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos
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Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts
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Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!
- Permalink: Last chance to see those tattoos! No, thanks. I can make the...
Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
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