Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie [locked in the bathroom]: There is no bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...
Alan: Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!
Charlie: What do you know, there is a bad Alan

Alan: Did you see me take the Silly Putty?
Charlie: Oh, no, no, I was nowhere near the Silly Putty. I think I was in the doll section, taking a peek under Barbie's dress. What a gyp that was!

Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again didn't you?
Jake: It's 1234. Even a monkey could crack that

Alan: Tell Jake what you told me last night.
Charlie: Oh, okay, sure. Jake, your father didn't steal the Silly Putty, I did.
Jake: Really?
Charlie: Yeah, I stuck it in his pocket, so if anything happened, he'd be the one to get in trouble.
Alan: What do you think now, Jake?
Jake: I think Uncle Charlie's a genius

Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't

Alan [about Jake's homework]: Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!

Alan: Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?
Jake: It's not gonna be on the test.
Alan: Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.
Jake: Why would I want to know something I don't have to?
Alan: Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.
Jake: Well, then that's when I'll learn it!
Alan: Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: 'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination

Charlie: A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.
Alan: That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.
Charlie: Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!

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