Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers
- Permalink: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car. I guess. W...
Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn [to Charlie]: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful
- Permalink: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes. no. Charlie, please...
Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan [about Jake]: Hell, no, he's getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".
- Permalink: I think you know what you have to do. Um... break up with Miss...
Judith [referring to Charlie]: Hold on, what is he doing here?
Alan: Well, my car's in the shop, and Charlie was nice enough to give me a ride.
Charlie: No, Charlie was nice enough to call you a cab, but you wouldn't take it
- Permalink: Hold on, what is he doing here? Well, my car's in the shop, an...
Miss Pasternak [regarding Jake giving her the middle finger]: I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him.
Alan: Is this true?
Jake: Yeah, I really thought she couldn't see me
- Permalink: I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him. ...
Alan: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounced-that's completely inappropriate and I came by to tell you it won't happen again.
Herb: So, you came over unannounced to apologize for coming over unannounced?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that
- Permalink: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounc...
Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician.
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.
- Permalink: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatricia...
Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Giver her something to explain at tax time
- Permalink: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time. Go a...
So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends
- Permalink: So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem...