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Alan: So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.
Jake: I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?
Alan: You plug it in and recharge it.
Jake: Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?
Charlie: Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: It's a cool car, Jake.
Jake: Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.
Charlie: You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers

Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn [to Charlie]: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful

Alan: I think you know what you have to do.
Charlie: Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?
Alan [about Jake]: Hell, no, he's getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.
Charlie: But he's not learning anything!
Alan: Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Judith [referring to Charlie]: Hold on, what is he doing here?
Alan: Well, my car's in the shop, and Charlie was nice enough to give me a ride.
Charlie: No, Charlie was nice enough to call you a cab, but you wouldn't take it

Miss Pasternak [regarding Jake giving her the middle finger]: I was writing on the board and he thought I couldn't see him.
Alan: Is this true?
Jake: Yeah, I really thought she couldn't see me

Alan: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounced-that's completely inappropriate and I came by to tell you it won't happen again.
Herb: So, you came over unannounced to apologize for coming over unannounced?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that

Alan: Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician.
Charlie: I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Charlie: Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.
Alan: Go away, Charlie.
Charlie: Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.
Alan: Leave me alone, Charlie!
Charlie: In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo", write "lap dance". Giver her something to explain at tax time

So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends

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