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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?
Charlie: It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Charlie: I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.
Alan: I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?

Mandy: You are so cute!
Jake: I know.
Kathleen: You got a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Mandy: You don't ever want to get married?
Jake [repeating Charlie's quote]: No, as long as I've got somebody to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?!?!?
Jake: Yeah, I don't want to be giving anyone half my stuff
Alan: Okay, bye-bye

Alan: Remember, we have Jake's session first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I talked and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoe

Alan: Why is the vacuum cleaner out?
Charlie: Because we were ankle deep in bunny poop.
Alan: Were you drinking last night?
Charlie: Yes, but that's not the point

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

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