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I don't even know how my wife is going to be a lesbian. She hates oral sex—hates it

Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
Charlie: I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque nineteen-year-old girl?
Alan: Porky's his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You're bringing vermin into my house?

Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate

Alan: Got to run to the grocery store. I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes.
Charlie: I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck

Alan: This sock is soaking wet.
Charlie: Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth, and the lid was open.
Alan: So this is toilet water?
Charlie: At least

Alan: All right, I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away...
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well, it's all I got

Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake [singing]:'s the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!

Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch

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