Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.

Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

Priest: Are you even Catholic?
Alan: I'm a big fan. The costumes. The music. Crackers and wine.
Priest: That's the body and blood of our Savior.
Alan: I know. Um-um good. Did you guys ever think of putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?

Alan: How's the pediatrician game?
Herb: Like taking money from babies.

Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

Displaying quotes 85 - 96 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.