Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.

I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.

Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.

Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.

It's a miracle I'm not a transexual on Dancing With the Stars.

Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?

Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.

I may love broadway musicals, and have a keen eye for fashion, but that's where it ends.

Displaying quotes 64 - 72 of 710 in total