Popular Andrew Van de Kamp Quotes
I know she's probably a bitch, but she's family; that makes her our bitch.
Bree: Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn't trying to take your father's place. He's, well, he's just a friend.
Andrew: Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?
Bree: You know, I haven't even thought about it.
Andrew: You're so transparent, it's pathetic. You're worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you're dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband's funeral.
Bree: Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?
Andrew: Yeah. So?
Bree: Doesn't it require a large entrance fee? One that you can't afford by yourself?
Andrew: Are you blackmailing me into coming into dinner?
Bree: Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.
Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating, exactly.
Andrew: Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great, but I want to make sure my mom's happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she's with a guy who knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should have heard my mom, too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like "ummm, uh!" Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
Andrew: When the cops get here, my official position will be "Oh, my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!" I think I might even throw in a few tears.
Bree: You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?
Andrew: Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point.
Andrew: I wonder how they'll react when they find out you killed George Williams.
Bree: I didn't kill George!
Andrew: Well, no, but you sat there and let him die, which ,I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere.
Bree: Okay, first of all I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he is no longer welcome in this house!
Andrew: But we haven't even had breakfast yet.
Bree: (after seeing her son kiss his boyfriend outside) Get over here. Now!
Andrew: Somebody's angry. Did one of your souffls fall?
Bree: I saw what you did with your friend.
Andrew: Oh! And you didn't turn into a pillar of salt? Good for you.
Bree: This is not a joke, Andrew. What if the neighbors had seen you?
Andrew: Oh, I'd hope they'd think that I landed a hottie.
Bree: For god sakes, it was an honest mistake. I thought I could have just a little bit of wine with dinner, but, apparently, my body couldn't handle it. Fine! If it makes everybody happy, I will just suffer through my sneezing fits and my hives on my own. There. Is that better?
Andrew: So basically you would rather drink than to not have allergies?
Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.
Bree: For the record, I did not punch my son I slapped him with an open palm.
Andrew: Yeah, but Mom, the thing is... When you drink, you don't know your own strength.
Bree: This is ridiculous! Can't you see this is a performance?!
Phyllis: (talking about Rex) I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.
Andrew: Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.
Phyllis: Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother.
