Desperate Housewives

Andrew Van de Kamp Quotes (Page 4)

Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player. So, I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating, exactly.
Andrew: Well, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great, but I want to make sure my mom's happy, you know and it would really set my mind at ease to know she's with a guy who knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard 'em through the wall in my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should have heard my mom, too. She had this, this weird moan. It was kinda like "ummm, uh!" Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?
Andrew: Yeah. So?
Bree: Doesn't it require a large entrance fee? One that you can't afford by yourself?
Andrew: Are you blackmailing me into coming into dinner?
Bree: Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating.
 • Rating: Unrated

Bree: Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn't trying to take your father's place. He's, well, he's just a friend.
Andrew: Really? Just a friend? So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?
Bree: You know, I haven't even thought about it.
Andrew: You're so transparent, it's pathetic. You're worried about a ripped T-shirt humiliating this family? Wait 'till people see that you're dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband's funeral.
 • Rating: Unrated

Andrew (about Phyllis): I know she's probably a bitch, but she's family; that makes her our bitch.
 • Rating: Unrated

Phyllis: (talking about Rex) I even kept the dirty magazine that he hid under his mattress. He didn't think I knew about it, but I did.
Andrew: Well, looks like dad was into big breasts.
Phyllis: Oh, yes. That's why I was surprised when he married your mother.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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