Nancy: Why is the bed moving?
Andy: There must be an earthquake.
Nancy: Are you jerking off?!?

Andy [about Audra]: She likes me
Gale: She's gonna burn in hell for all eternity
Andy: Well I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Gale
Gale: For now...

Andy: Esteban seems like the type to just throw you on the table and f-ck you.
Nancy: That works, too.
Andy: See, we'd never have worked. I'm not rape-y enough for you.

Andy, on his sexual technique: The key is to focus on where the sidewalk ends.
Nancy: I know. I'm a girl.

We used to call [getting an abortion] "going to Van Nuys." Probably because the clinic was located in Van Nuys.

Your kid has a one in five chance of being Autistic - and I don't mean the cool kind of Autistic.

Is it ok to impersonate your dead brother and pseudo-steal some money if you're gonna use the cash for the family's greater good?

A Mexican gynco? Nanc, if you're putting together a mariachi band, yes, go Mexican. Down there, you want a Jew.

You're a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut.

Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function.

Know this, Lupita, until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, at least we can take a joke.

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 75 in total
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