Andy: Tom, I need protection.
Tom: Are we talking condoms or guns?
Andy: No, I need... you have guns?
Tom: I dunno, you have money?

Travis: That thing's on you like a bear trap. Is there at least a zipper so you can go to the bathroom?
Andy: I don't have to go anymore...
Travis: What?
Andy: What?

I used to make fun of them, but now I get goth kids. Life is pain. Pain is life. The Cure rules!

Sometimes doing the hard thing gets you where you need to be.

Jules: Ever since I got back from Hollywood I've turned into a real movie slut.
Andy: I think you mean movie buff.
Ellie: No, no she's right, the expression is movie slut - change approved.

Ellie: Stan the bartender?
Andy: We have a son named Stan.
Ellie: Oh, sure sure.

Okay, others may see you as a terrifying hate goblin, but they don't matter I see my fiery hell raiser beautiful wife who loves me more than anything.

Laurie: Zooey Descha-hell-no, what you two need is revenge. If someone hurts you, you hurt them right back.
Jules: Yeah revenge is better I'm in.
Andy: Me too.

Andy: Ellie's just jealous because she thinks I care more about you than her.
Bobby: Do you?
Andy: Yes, it's not even close.

Andy: He's your son.
Ellie: He needs to learn.

Andy: Great, they're grossed out by the thought of us naked.
Ellie: Not us my friend.
Laurie: [Laughing]

Tom: The Bicycle Boys stole my fountain.
Jules: [Gasp]
Grayson: No!
Andy: Come on!
Ellie: Damn them!

Cougar Town Quotes

Welcome to Cougar Town. Your name isn't that great either.

Title Card

Laurie: Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me Jellybean?
Ellie: Well JB, when Jules first hired you I thought you were so simple minded she could convince you that Jellybeans were more valuable than gold and subsequently pay you in Jellybeans. This concept was eventually shorted into your nickname, Jellybean.