NCIS
Mondays 8:00 PM on CBSPopular Anthony (Tony) DiNozzo Quotes
Tony: My father brought a straight off the street bag lady into my apartment, rusty old shopping cart and all. And dad said that it was your idea, Gibbs?
Gibbs: I'm glad he found her.
Susan: Dad I've been looking all over for you.
Tony: Oh. Do I have a sister I don't know about?
Senior: Don't joke, Junior. There's obviously something wrong with her. You've mistaken me for someone else.
Susan: There's so much I have to tell you.
Tony: Here you go. Here's a little something. Get yourself something to eat.
Susan: Dad. Please don't leave me.
Tony: What's the matter?
McGee: I'm getting a call from myself.
Bishop: Answer it. See what you want.
I feel like I don't know who I am. And it's strange, because she stole my identity, right? But I feel like I already lost my identity. What is this? Seriously, is this some kind of weird metaphor for my current psychological state?
I mean I get swindled by a bimbo, I've got Laurel and Hardy impersonating me. What about the third guy? Is he a buffoon? Is that who I am?
Gibbs: How did you meet her the first time?
Tony: I met her in a bar.
Gibbs: Let me guess. She approached you.
Tony: They usually do, but...I was a target.
Gibbs: An easy one!
Tony: How long have I been working for NCIS?
Tiny Tony: Long enough that you should be making better money. Wait for it...wait for it....yup. You're pathetic.
Tall Tony: I'm not even that good at memorizing lines, but you were easy. You have no life.
Tiny Tony: It's true. No wife, no kids, no hobbies. Same job, same apartment. Nothing changes with you.
Vance: What the hell was that?
Tony: I don't know. I usually only have that effect on women.
McGee: You know, the fact that so much time has passed now, you don't even have to disclose those deaths when you sell.
Tony: Wait, is that true?
McGee: I figured it out.
Tony: Where the bad guys are hiding?
McGee: No, your apartment. The giveaway was the fact that Gibbs, Fornell and Abby knew about it. So I figured it was case related.
Tony: Good guess, Inspector Clouseau.
McGee: Not a guess. Your apartment was the scene of a triple homicide.
Tony: Amazing what a good paint job will do. Previous owners hacked up the body with an electric carving knife.
Fornell: You looking for a fight, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. Not particularly. Are you?
Fornell: A little bit.
Tony: Just get the files.
Kort: Worried about your girlfriend, DiNozzo?
Tony: [shoves him hard] What's that supposed to mean?
Kort: Are you going to call your attack dog off?
Gibbs: No.
