Spoiler alert, Heisenberg. It doesn't end well for you.

Tony: Hey. You haven't said a word to me since we left the office.
McGee: I've been trying to figure out what you're up to.
Tony: Me?
McGee: Yeah. You've been acting so, you know, nice. You haven't abused me in days.
Tony: If you would like me to abuse you, I will abuse you.

McGee: You're seeing someone.
Tony: Huh. I wish.
McGee: Oh please, come on. Dog lady was hitting on you like crazy, she's super cute and...
Tony: Twenty-two years old.
McGee: Since when has that ever stopped you?

Zoe: I'm up here to return something that you left at my place when you rushed out this morning.
Tony: Mmm. Yeah. Well I was a little light-headed. What did I leave?
Zoe: These. *hands him a set of handcuffs*
Tony: Oh boy. You found the key. I had you locked up pretty good.
Zoe: Yeah. You did. Um, are we keeping us a secret?
Tony: Yeah. Uh, listen. This place is a henhouse. It practically runs on gossip and I do not want to be topic number one. And we're doing pretty good in this relationship, right?
Zoe: Right.
Tony: I don't want to spoil it.
Zoe: Okay.
Tony: Okay. Yeesh. You're very dangerous.

Zoe: Relax, Spider. They know about us.
Tony: Who knows?
Everyone: We all know.
Gibbs: It's about time. Geeze.
Tony: How did you find out?
McGee: We're trained investigators, my friend.
Zoe: And in honor of us coming out, Tony is going to buy everyone drinks.
Tony: I am?
Zoe: Yeah. You are. C'mon. Get your coat.
Tony: Yeah, boss.

Palmer: Gibbs is going for a checkup. And his doctor told him to avoid caffeine for seventy-two hours.
Bishop: That seems...unwise.
Tony: That could kill him.
Palmer: Or worse! The guy's scary enough when he's properly medicated. I can't imagine what it'd be like with caffeine withdrawal. I can only imagine someone taking King Kong's bananas. I'm not going to turn around.
Gibbs: Good idea.

Gibbs: Hey! You got something to say?
Bishop: Not in a million years.
Tony: Actually, I just want you to know I understand completely. I do. There's nothing more enticing than forbidden fruit. Especially the kind you can spoon with.

Bishop: These murders are all very personal to you. And occurred when someone else personal showed up.
Tony: Your ex-wife.
Gibbs: Rebecca?
Tony: Yeah
Gibbs: Rebecca isn't involved.
McGee: Boss you gotta admit, the timing's kind of interesting.
Gibbs: Look look look: she is totally unstable. Completely disrespectful. Untrustworthy. She's a liar....but she's no killer.

Tony: Notice anything different McGee? We installed the new computer monitors.
McGee: You touched my desk?
Tony: It was their idea.
Kevin: We wanted to thank you.
Khan: No we--don't say that out loud.
McGee: No no no, this monitor should be more to the left.
Tony: Okay let's go to the van. Nobody needs to see this part of Tim McGee. C'mon IT Kevin.
McGee: Come on. Didn't even bundle all the cables.

Jake: Agent DiNozzo, I presume?
Tony: The elusive Jake. It's nice to know Bishop hasn't been catfishing us all year. I was starting to wonder.
Bishop: Well you can stop wondering, Tony. As you can see, Jake is quite real.
Tony: Unless he's a hologram who can shake hands.
Jake: NSA is actually working on one of those, I've seen the prototype.
Tony: Yeah that'd be pretty fun. Really?
Jake: No.
Tony: Had me, for a second. That's too bad, because I'd like one of those. I like him, he's quick.

Tony: I hate couples.
Bishop: You asked how we met.
Jake: Granted, you kind of had to be there.
Tony: Oh no, not you guys. You're great. Just couples in general.

Bishop: His gun's gone, Tony.
Tony: Great. We're snowed in here with an airport filled with cranky passengers, a dead fake Air Marshall and his killer on the loose somewhere on the loose with a knife and a gun. Anybody else feel like they're playing Clue?

NCIS Quotes

If someone thinks they have the upper-hand, break it. (Season 8, Episode 24)

Rule #16

[voiceover] Anyone can achieve their fullest potential, who we are might be predetermined, but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed but, it can be challenged. Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

McGee