Spoiler alert, Heisenberg. It doesn't end well for you.

Tony: Hey. You haven't said a word to me since we left the office.
McGee: I've been trying to figure out what you're up to.
Tony: Me?
McGee: Yeah. You've been acting so, you know, nice. You haven't abused me in days.
Tony: If you would like me to abuse you, I will abuse you.

McGee: You're seeing someone.
Tony: Huh. I wish.
McGee: Oh please, come on. Dog lady was hitting on you like crazy, she's super cute and...
Tony: Twenty-two years old.
McGee: Since when has that ever stopped you?

Zoe: I'm up here to return something that you left at my place when you rushed out this morning.
Tony: Mmm. Yeah. Well I was a little light-headed. What did I leave?
Zoe: These. *hands him a set of handcuffs*
Tony: Oh boy. You found the key. I had you locked up pretty good.
Zoe: Yeah. You did. Um, are we keeping us a secret?
Tony: Yeah. Uh, listen. This place is a henhouse. It practically runs on gossip and I do not want to be topic number one. And we're doing pretty good in this relationship, right?
Zoe: Right.
Tony: I don't want to spoil it.
Zoe: Okay.
Tony: Okay. Yeesh. You're very dangerous.

Zoe: Relax, Spider. They know about us.
Tony: Who knows?
Everyone: We all know.
Gibbs: It's about time. Geeze.
Tony: How did you find out?
McGee: We're trained investigators, my friend.
Zoe: And in honor of us coming out, Tony is going to buy everyone drinks.
Tony: I am?
Zoe: Yeah. You are. C'mon. Get your coat.
Tony: Yeah, boss.

Palmer: Gibbs is going for a checkup. And his doctor told him to avoid caffeine for seventy-two hours.
Bishop: That seems...unwise.
Tony: That could kill him.
Palmer: Or worse! The guy's scary enough when he's properly medicated. I can't imagine what it'd be like with caffeine withdrawal. I can only imagine someone taking King Kong's bananas. I'm not going to turn around.
Gibbs: Good idea.

Gibbs: Hey! You got something to say?
Bishop: Not in a million years.
Tony: Actually, I just want you to know I understand completely. I do. There's nothing more enticing than forbidden fruit. Especially the kind you can spoon with.

Bishop: These murders are all very personal to you. And occurred when someone else personal showed up.
Tony: Your ex-wife.
Gibbs: Rebecca?
Tony: Yeah
Gibbs: Rebecca isn't involved.
McGee: Boss you gotta admit, the timing's kind of interesting.
Gibbs: Look look look: she is totally unstable. Completely disrespectful. Untrustworthy. She's a liar....but she's no killer.

Tony: Notice anything different McGee? We installed the new computer monitors.
McGee: You touched my desk?
Tony: It was their idea.
Kevin: We wanted to thank you.
Khan: No we--don't say that out loud.
McGee: No no no, this monitor should be more to the left.
Tony: Okay let's go to the van. Nobody needs to see this part of Tim McGee. C'mon IT Kevin.
McGee: Come on. Didn't even bundle all the cables.

Jake: Agent DiNozzo, I presume?
Tony: The elusive Jake. It's nice to know Bishop hasn't been catfishing us all year. I was starting to wonder.
Bishop: Well you can stop wondering, Tony. As you can see, Jake is quite real.
Tony: Unless he's a hologram who can shake hands.
Jake: NSA is actually working on one of those, I've seen the prototype.
Tony: Yeah that'd be pretty fun. Really?
Jake: No.
Tony: Had me, for a second. That's too bad, because I'd like one of those. I like him, he's quick.

Tony: I hate couples.
Bishop: You asked how we met.
Jake: Granted, you kind of had to be there.
Tony: Oh no, not you guys. You're great. Just couples in general.

Bishop: His gun's gone, Tony.
Tony: Great. We're snowed in here with an airport filled with cranky passengers, a dead fake Air Marshall and his killer on the loose somewhere on the loose with a knife and a gun. Anybody else feel like they're playing Clue?

NCIS Quotes

McGee: All right. Well you should probably know that Abby and I used to date?
Bishop: Ew. Like, each other?
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: Wait - isn't that a violation of rule 12, never date a....
McGee: It was a long time ago. After we'd broken up, one night I went to her lab. Found a scribbled piece paper; a list. Potential boyfriends had to fulfill certain conditions by a pre-arranged date or else, goodbye.
Bishop: Such as.
McGee: Things started off relatively normal: opening the door for her, flowers, putting the seat down. Then around number 8, it gets uh...
Bishop: What?
McGee: Does she know you have these?
Bishop: Does she know you have these?
McGee: Yeah she wasn't happy when she found out.
Bishop: These are all very specific.
McGee: Yeah.
Bishop: These ideas apply to you?
McGee: No those rules weren't in place when we were together. At least I don't think so.
Bishop: What's with the two month cutoff? Abby's sabotaging herself. I've seen stuff like this before. We have to talk to her.

McGee: Rule number 70 - keep digging till you hit bottom.
Abby: McGee! There is no rule 70.
McGee: Well, I--
Abby: You just made up a rule. This McGibbs thing has really gone to your head. I don't even recognize you right now.