Ron: To me, this situation is a blood-soaked, nightmare-ish hellscape. However to Leslie Knope-
Leslie: Oh how fun!
April: Yay.

April: I used to play softball.
Andy: I used to play baseball! It's like the boy version of softball.

Can you Photoshop your life with better decisions, Jerry?

Jerry: I was walking Lord Sheldon.
April: Ew, is that code for some kind of weird sex act?
Jerry: Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him.
April: Ew.

Donna: Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?
April: Oh sorry guys, sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower after I got dressed 'cause I'm Jerry.

April: I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd.
Leslie: No, that's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD; his drummer shot him.
April: Oh.

No, I've gotta help Leslie find the truth. Not because I'm pissed at Andy, which I'm not. Because I care so deeply about possums. 'Cause they're so adorable.

Andy recently diagnosed himself with what he calls Shoeshine Head. It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain. Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers and napping on the floor.

Ann: Here are the keys. And remember...
April: I know. Don't let Tom make a copy.

April: Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage.
Andy: What?
April: And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago.
Andy: Ahh, that close. It was almost perfect.

Andy: April, you're like an angel with no wings.
April: So like a person?

April: You're, um, Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.
Ron: Oh, it's about time.

Parks & Rec Quotes

Ron: Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004: Porterhouse, medium rare, Bearnaise sauce. January 2000: They call this one, The Enforcer. February '96: The steak ribeye. The Whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me? A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. OK, this is the first I ever went there. Look at me. Just a kid.

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April