I’m going to murder you a thousand times!

April: Parks can only be reserved for witch covens or slip and slide competitions. Which one are you?
Nadia: Umm, slip and slide competition.
April: Seriously?

Tyynifer: You're so awesome right now. You're like a skinny Mother Theresa.
April: It's Dwyane Wade's house. I got the address off the internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and throws a basketball at her head.

She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

I'm sorry, is your name Jennifer?
Tyynifer. No, it's Tyynifer with two ys. It used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait, it's Xanax-o'clock.

I'm April Ludgate Kvorkian.

Andy: I have no idea how to run a nonprofit.
April: Hey, you shined shoes for two years and never earned a profit.

To be perfectly honest, Mouserat's music is not my thing. I really only listen to like German death reggae, Halloween sound effects from the 1950s, and Bette Midler. Obviously.

April: Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. Next to making out with you.
Andy: Remember when we did that at the same time? It made him so uncomfortable!

It's my favorite kind of battle. Two men enter. One me leaves!

My spirit blood is on your hands.

I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.

Parks & Rec Quotes

History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

Ron

Andy: From now on, we will be using code names. You can address me as
Eagle One. Ann, code name -- Been There, Don That. April is --
Currently Doing That. Donna is -- It Happened Once in a Dream; Chris,
code name -- If I Had To Pick a Dude. Ben is -- Eagle Two.
Ben: Oh thank God.