Barney [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail]: She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male

Asian girls love them some Jews.

Girl: Really, a genie comes out of it?
Barney: Only if you rub it hard enough.

Ted: Well after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four pronged approached that really brought him to his knees
Barney: Hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep

Challenge accepted.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story

I'm gonna die alone. Ted's gonna be eaten by cats!

Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Ted, tonight is gonna be Epic- wait for it...Dary! Wait that's not it, how do I usually say it? Ugh I hate this Quinn girl!

Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.

Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Yes. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.

Lily: Ooo Barney's got feelings for a girl.
Barney: Yeah, penis feelings!

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted