Barney [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail]: She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male

Girl: Really, a genie comes out of it?
Barney: Only if you rub it hard enough.

[drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what, I'm open!

Asian girls love them some Jews.

Challenge accepted.

Ted, tonight is gonna be Epic- wait for it...Dary! Wait that's not it, how do I usually say it? Ugh I hate this Quinn girl!

Barney: We both like scotch. We're both awesome.
Robin: Maybe that's the problem. Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Barney: Yes. Two awesomes cancel each other out. I'm tired of being canceled out.

I'm gonna die alone. Ted's gonna be eaten by cats!

Dude working together is going to be legen- wait for it ...I'll send you an inter office memo with the rest because we friggin' work together!

Funny thing, and this is just me, I like my balls attached to my body instead of rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story

[to Ted] Your mom and I got to second base.

HIMYM Quotes

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Barney

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney