Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney Stinson how may I direct my penis?

Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you

Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there!

Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.

I want American Scotch from Scotland!

People like being lied to. They just don't like finding out they've been lied to.

Challenge accepted.

[drunk, on phone] Hey Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what, I'm open!

Barney [after leaving Robin a weird sound on her voicemail]: She wasn't there. I left a voicemail.
Lily: You left a voice, but it wasn't male

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