Ted, when they serve alcohol at a strip club, you're not allowed to show your vagina.

Barney: Stop pining over Marshall and Lily! Have some self respect. Now put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with...
Ted: Barney! I'm allowed to miss them alright? They're my two best friends.
Barney: I'm your two best friends!

Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut Up Lily I'm in charge now... Dary!

Kevin: Hey guys where are Marshall and Lily?
Robin: Something terrible happened.
Kevin: Are they ok? Are they in the hospital?
Barney: No, somewhere much, much worse...
Marshall: Long Island!

Here's twenty for picking up a girl with only one word and here's another twenty for that word being boner.

So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Ted: Sorry dude, we gotta wait for the real thing, no matter how tough it gets.
Barney: It gets pretty tough.
Ted: I know it does buddy.

A kid needs a pet cobra. Ted don't be pill about this.

I wish men could have children on their own, like seahorses!

Barney: You know what would kick ass?
Ted: Being gay?
Barney: Being gay!

Why wouldn't I be all right? Barney is single again, it's what America has been clamoring for.

Uh lets see, suits, laser tag, I say "wait for it" a lot, that's pretty much it.

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted