Marshall: Tell him that I might not be able to give him a grandchild? I don't even know how to have that conversation.
Barney: I'll show you. Dad, uh there's something I need to tell you. It's going to come as a bit of a shock. You are speaking to the 2011 Tri County Laser Tag Co Champion.

How you doing Lily? Should I have a boner?

Lily: How did you do it?
Barney: Oh god you found one of the cameras.

I can't give this suit back, I glow in the dark. Ted, I finally glow in the dark!

I'm taking the rest of my bonus to God's strip club.

Velour tracksuits! Remote control helicopters! Condoms! And last but not least there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to...A STRIP CLUB! You get a lap dance! You get a lap dance! You're going to give me a lap dance! Everyone gets a lap dance!

Lily: I'm pregnant.
Barney: I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry force of habit, congratulations!

I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

Barney: A Yuletide riddle. What is my second favorite word that begins with B-O-N?
Ted: Bon Jovi?
Barney: What is my third favorite that begins with B-O-N? Buzzer... BONUS!

Who's the eye broccoli?

Lily: Whenever we're alone you spend the entire time undressing me with your eyes, you even take off my shoes.
Barney: High heels chafe my shoulders.

Barney: Told yah, The Mermaid Theory, it's a thing. You owe me five hundred bucks.
Marshall: Did we bet on this?
Barney: Let's say yes.

HIMYM Quotes

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Sometimes things have to fall apart to make way for better things...we're done here.

Ted