Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Step one, you start running. There is no step two

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies

Barney: You have been blessed with a wonderful gift.
Lily: Thank you.
Barney: I meant me

You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme

Lily [trying to paint Barney with a sword in his hand]: I don't think your sword will fit.
Barney: I get that a lot.

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story

Robin: You know what? You gave it away too early. You're an "I love you" slut.
Ted: Yeah, well you're an "I love you" prude. You know what? I'm taking mine back.
Robin : You can't do that!
Ted : Just did. In fact, I'm giving it away, because I'm a slut.
Ted [to a stranger]: Hey, I love you.
Stranger : Thanks, man! I came in here to jump. I really needed that.

Robin: I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please I'm her older sister I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year

Displaying quotes 496 - 504 of 657 in total