Barney Stinson Quotes
Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!
- Permalink: Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!
Barney: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous.
Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.
- Permalink: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous. W...
Lily: Like you really need an excuse to watch porn.
Barney: Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.
- Permalink: Like you really need an excuse to watch porn. Canadian porn. T...
Barney: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is...
Ted: You know??!
Barney: Of course I know. She couldn't look at us. Her face got flushed. That's shame, my friend. Our friend Robin used to do porn....wait for it....ography!
Ted: Yea, we didn't really need to wait for that. And it's ridiculous!
Lily: I don't know. He could be right. She does have the fake orgasm noises down.
Lily: What? The walls are thin.
Ted: That's not what I'm 'hey'-ing you about.
- Permalink: Fine, if you wanna know what Robin's secret is... You know??! ...
[Barney describing deal breakers in flashbacks...]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
- Permalink: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin til...
Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker
- Permalink: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates mall...
Barney: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'.
Ted: Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY.
Marshall: What are you guys talking about, the 'Crazy Eyes'?
Barney: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
Ted: Nope, just pupils.
Barney: It's an indicator of future mental instability
- Permalink: She's got the..'Crazy Eyes'. Dude...the eyes...they're CRAZY. ...
Ted: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
Barney: Wow...it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
[Carl interrupts from the bar]
Carl: I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
Barney: You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
- Permalink: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the...
Ted [commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke]: Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out.
Marshall: You think?
Ted: Yea! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes it on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says Ted. No heart.
Barney: Mine says S..Sw...Swarley. How'd they get "Swarley" from 'Barney'? Who would ever be called Swarley?
- Permalink: One, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you...