Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.
Robin: You just look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly, I'm a Ted! I'm wearing elastic waist fleece pants

Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ... You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story

Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?
Barney: Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-the-appartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the Taliban.
[Barney sneezes on his hand]
Barney: High-five.
Robin: Ewww, no. Look, you have to go home and get to bed

I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out

[after Ted tells Barney what he called Lily]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name..
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ted: Like you've never said that word?
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth, yet...

Barney [to James]: Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
Barney [to Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin]: Huh... yes offense

Barney [about his brother]: He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!
Lily: He's exactly like Barney.
Barney: That's what I just said.

Hold on to your bedsores grandparents from Willy Wonka!

Barney: (After being slapped by Marshall) Your hands are monsterous.
Marshall: What did you expect? You've seen my penis.

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