Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Barney: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!
Lily: Ewwww....is something some lame, judgemental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!
Barney: Wow, you really are desperate.
Lily: I really am.

Ted: Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's surrounded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass

Ted: This project is getting harder and harder!
Barney: Yeah you did!
Ted: Had to!

Marshall: Well, all skyscrapers kinda look...like a...
Ted: Marshall, it's a 78 story pink marble tower with a rounded top and two spherical entryways at the front.
Marshall: Wow, so it's the whole package.
Barney: Ha ha ha! Yeah you did!
Marshall: Had to!
Barney: Oh, dude, if they're selling condos you gotta get me in. And don't give me the shaft.
Marshall: Yeah you did!
Barney: Had to!

Barney [on a note left to girl]: Dear Resident, The time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade--provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.
Resident: Barney... Who the hell is Barney?

Marshall: You know what dude, forget about Robin, okay? You're hanging with us tonight. I've got an awesome party lined up.
Barney: Oh, God. This gonna be another one of your weird all guy parties?
Marshall: That was a poker game, what is wrong with you? No, it's the first law school party of the year and it's gonna be awesome! I haven't seen these guys since like last year before Lily and I broke-up. Something I have to break to everybody. This party is gonna suck

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote scripture

Barney: Dude! You were awesome last night! You were charming, you were funny, you were totally working that girl!
Marshall: You went home with her!
Barney: Yes I did...

Barney: This is the moment I've been waiting for. Starting tonight, I am gonna teach you how to live. Ted, you had your chance. You're out, Marshall's in.
Ted: Yesss!
Marshall: Oh god...
Barney: Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like ... What's something everybody likes?
Marshall: Candy...
Barney: Yes! It's like being in a candy store! You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers! Yeah! ... Is Whoppers the best one?
Ted: Mounds.
Barney: Milk Duds.
Ted: Gobstoppers.
Barney: Um...
Future Ted: This went on for another hour. Ahhh, just skip to the end.
Ted: Dubble Bubbles!
Barney: Nice

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