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How-i-met-your-mother

Um a little thing called rigor mortis?

Ah Ted, your first day at the salon and you want to do a cut and color?

Barney: Ted what is my one rule?
Ted: You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Flax seed relieves upset stomach?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: Labanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there.
Barney: My other one rule.
Ted: New is always better?
Barney: New is always better!

Crazy stories are my thing! You have architecture, Marshall has the law, Lily has art, Robin has pleasing me sexually. You all have a passion that drives you. Well if I have a passion it's taking life and turning it into a series of crazy stories. If you can do that without me, then I don't even know who I am anymore.

Ted: Oh boy that was a crazy story.
Barney: Oh boy, yeah I remember.
Ted: You weren't there.
Barney: Ted, bubala, if you have a crazy story, I was there. It's just the law of the universe.

Crazy girls are crazy, because they're crazy.

Cray Cray gotta go bye bye, before you get stabbed stabbed.

I need you to proxy bang this girl for me. Be my stand in and put your gland in.

My body is detoxing after years of one night stands. They don't make gum or a patch for this Ted, but hey, billion dollar idea alert.

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