Mondays 8:00 PM on CBS
How-i-met-your-mother

Robin [about Marshall]: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating, we agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

Ted [on the phone]: Oh hey, where are you guys?
Barney: We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.
Ted: Stripclub...nice

You know what Marshall needs to do. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.

Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books

Barney: For the first time...ever...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", we will be what is "up" New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on...
[Barney looks at Robin and Ted...]
Barney: Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!

Penelope: This wrong guy, is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kind of like Barney?
Ted: Kind of.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!

Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex twice in your car and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!

You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!

Penelope: Okay, crouch down and bend over a little bit.
Barney: Wow, it took 5 shots of tequila to get you in that position.
Penelope: I will throw you off this roof.
Barney: So much of your mom in you

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