Barney: Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Ted: Well after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four pronged approached that really brought him to his knees
Barney: Hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Barney: If I could nail any celebrity it would definitely be Scarlett Johansson. Hot, talented and nobody does that many woodie allen movies without some serious daddy issues
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Barney: So you're this comfy every night and Lily still has sex with you?
Marshall: Yeah, that's what marriage is all about, man. Unconditional love. You can wear whatever you want and still get laid
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Barney: ...a hug is just like a public dry hump
Marshall: I think you're hugging wrong
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Lily [to Marshall]: Hey you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bed again?
Barney: My race car bed?
Marshall: It handles great buddy
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Woman: You said that if I slept with you my son would get the part
Barney: Well apparently I'm a better actor than your kid
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Barney: Lottery girl's on.
Robin: I just feel sorry for these women. This is where broadcast careers go to die.
Barney: Check it out, I made a little game.
Lottery Girl: And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19,
Barney: Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 53,
Barney: Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.
Lotto Girl: 22,
Barney: Age you claim you are.
Lotto Girl: 31,
Barney: Age you actually are.
Lotto Girl: 45,
Barney: Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.
Lotto Girl: And tonight's Super Big Ball is...
Barney: What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up!
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Barney: So I explained to her, I said Madelin, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude
Ted: So the crisis in the middle east could be solved by?
Barney: Gaza Strippers. Next.
Ted: Apartheid?
Barney: Apart Thighs? What else you got?
Ted: Cold war.
Barney: Ms. Gorbachev, Take Down Those Pants
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life?
Abby: You slept with me and you never called me again.
Barney: And?
Abby: That's it!
Barney: That's it?! As far as I'm concerned if I leave you safe on a dry land with adequate transportation home you got nothing to complain about!
• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 315
