Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The-simpsons

(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Emily Winthrop: Congratulations sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (Under his breath.) Moldy old maid.

(At the breakfast table, Bart notices that Lisa isn't dressed for school.)
Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then--Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

(Lisa is sick and Bart delivers her homework after school.)
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary--Remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: D'oh!

(Bart notices Homer's new shoes.)
Bart: Whoa! Assassins!
Homer: Yep. Heh, heh. Read 'em and weep.
Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: $125!
Homer: Bart! (Reaches down to choke Bart.)
Bart: Aah!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had
a single fire.
Marge: Hmmm!

(At dog obedience school.)
Emily Winthrop: There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself. One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. The other is like a hose without a fireman. Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson?
(Bart is down on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor.)
Bart: Like a hose. (Under his breath.) Your Wrinkled Highness.

Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away.) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.

Bart

(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.

(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.

(Bart inquires about Herb.)
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Hmm!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard. Bastard, bastard.

Displaying quotes 550 - 558 of 701 in total