Bart Simpson Quotes
(Lisa tries to teach Bart a method to clear his mind of distraction.)
Lisa: Bart, I have a riddle for you. What's the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: Piece of cake.
(Bart opens and closes his right fist quickly, making a sound.)
Lisa: No, Bart. It's a 3000-year-old riddle with no answer. It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought.
Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up.
(Bart quickly opens and closes his fist again.)
- Permalink: <i>(Lisa tries to teach Bart a method to clear his mind of distr...
(After some miniature golf practice Bart enters his bedroom and throws his putter on the floor.)
Homer: (Yelling) What are you doing?
(Homer picks up the putter.)
Homer: That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player, what a violin is...to the--the guy that--the violin guy! Now, come on! Give your putter a name.
(Homer hands the putter back to Bart.)
Homer: Come on. Give it a name.
Bart: Mr. Putter.
Homer: D'oh! You wanna try a little harder, son? Come on. Give it a girl's name.
Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
Homer: It just is, that's why!
(Homer pins up a picture of Todd Flanders.)
Homer Now, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend 15 minutes staring at it and concentrating on how much you hate him and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
Bart: Who's Charlene?
(Homer snatches Bart's putter out of his hands.)
Homer: I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
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(Bart and Homer finish a round of miniature golf.)
Bart: Final score: Bart, 41. Homer--Let's see. Six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus--
Homer: Never mind!
- Permalink: <i>(Bart and Homer finish a round of miniature golf.)</i> Bart...
(Lisa tries to mentally prepare Bart for the miniature golf tournament with some meditation.)
Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Lisa: Bart! You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart: I'll bet.
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(Homer puts some pressure on Bart to win the Miniature golf tournament.)
Homer: Look, son, all I'm asking is that you'll try.
Bart: Okay, I'll try.
Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to win!
- Permalink: <i>(Homer puts some pressure on Bart to win the Miniature golf t...
Homer: What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes!
Bart: All right!
Marge: Mmm, I was going to wash my hair.
Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a brand-new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
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(Lisa preps Bart before the golf tournament)
Lisa: Eighth hole.
Bart: Aim for the octopus' third tentacle.
Lisa: Twelfth hole.
Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone.
Bart: State of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.
- Permalink: (<i>Lisa preps Bart before the golf tournament</i>) Eighth hol...
(At Springfield Stadium, the entire crowd laughs as Mr. Burns weakly throws out the first pitch.)
Homer: Hey, Burns! Hey, rag arm!
Bart: You throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!
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(Before the baseball game at Springfield Stadium, the Simpson family watches the players warm-up.)
Bart: Oh, wow! There's Flash Baylor! I gotta get his autograph! He used to be a star!
(Bart makes his way to the outfield fence.)
Bart: Hey, Flash, will you sign my ball?
Flash Baylor: (Flatly) No.
(A disappointed Bart returns back to his seat.)
Bart: (Muttering) Lousy, washed-up, broken down tub of guts. Who does he think he is, anyway?
Homer: What's the matter, boy?
Bart: He wouldn't sign my ball.
Marge: (Upset) Well, he's a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!
(Marge makes her way to the outfield fence.)
Outfielder: Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail headin' this way.
Flash Baylor: Well, hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?
(Cut to Marge returning back to her seat and handing Bart's ball back to him.)
Marge: Here you go, Bart.
Bart: Hmm. (Reading baseball) "Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, room 26. How 'bout it? Flash."
Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, Marge.
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