Bart Simpson Quotes
(On the bus ride to school, Bart seeks some answers for his upcoming test.)
Bart: Okay, no reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for some answers and, boom, I'm back on easy street.
(Bart looks around the bus and spots an open seat near Sherri and Terri.)
Terri: Look at him. I bet he didn't study again.
Sherri: And now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us.
Terri: He's pathetic.
(Bart sits down in the vacant seat near Sherri and Terri.)
Bart: Good morning, girls.
Sherri and Terri: (Cheerfully and in unison.) Good morning, Bart!
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats!
(Bart writes down Sherri and Terri's answers.)
Bart: Cool! History's comin' alive.
(Sherri and Terri giggle to themselves.)
- Permalink: <i>(On the bus ride to school, Bart seeks some answers for his u...
(Bart daydreams about still being in the 4th grade as an adult with his own son in the class as well.)
Mrs. Krabappel: All right, class, the topic is world literature. What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island? Bart Simpson.
Adult Bart: Look, lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal. Will ya quit bugging me about the stupid pirate?
Bart Jr.: (Whispers) Psst. Long John Silver, Dad.
Mrs. Krabappel: I heard that, Bart Jr.! I want to see both of you after class today.
Adult Bart: D'oh! Thanks a lot, son!
- Permalink: <i>(Bart daydreams about still being in the 4th grade as an adul...
Bart: I need you to help me get a passing grade.
Martin: Well, you do need someone's help to get a passing grade, but I don't know why that someone should be me.
Bart: Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much.
Martin: They...laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular.
Bart: You're not. Watch.
(Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.)
Martin: But my--my speed with numbers, my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas--these things mean nothing to them?
Bart: Perhaps another demonstration.
(Again Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.)
- Permalink: I need you to help me get a passing grade. Well, you do need s...
(The Simpson family gathers around, as Homer places Bart's passed test on the fridge.)
Homer: We're proud of you, boy.
Bart: Thanks, Dad. But part of this D-minus belongs to God.
- Permalink: <i>(The Simpson family gathers around, as Homer places Bart's pa...
(Martin gives a book report in front of class. Quoting Hemingway:)
Martin: "You're killing me, fish. Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother. Come on and kill me. I do not care who kills who. To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman, to live." I thank you. (Bows)
(The classroom is stunned)
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh! Absolutely brilliant! There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin!
Martin: Oh, please, call me Papa.
(Bart places a ketchup packet on Martin's seat just before he sits down.)
Bart: A little ketchup for your buns, Papa?
- Permalink: )</i> You're killing me, fish. Never have I seen a greater or ...
Bart: (prays) Well, old-timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I need your help.
Lisa: (spying on Bart) Prayer. The last refuge of a scoundrel.
Bart: A teachers' strike, a power failure, a blizzard. Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can. Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson.
- Permalink: (<i>prays</i>) Well, old-timer, I guess this is the end of the r...
Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received is erroneous.
Bart: So, you're saying--
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance at passing this test than you do.
- Permalink: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the info...
Mrs. Krabappel: But look at these results: fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A twelve on state capitals?
Bart: Okay, okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it, you know it! I am dumb, okay? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it?
- Permalink: Fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A <i>twelve</i> on state capi...
Bart: Principal Skinner? This is bogus man, you know the rules: two letter and a conference before I get a home visit.
Skinner: Bart, my cargo pants indicate I am not here on school business. I'm here on cool business, i.e. curl business.
- Permalink: Two letter and a conference before I get a home visit. Bart, m...