Berta: End of era, huh charlie?
Charlie: Yep. From now on, no brother, no nephew. Just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.
Berta: You do know how to paint a picture
Charlie: What can I say, i have the heart of a poet.
Berta: Unfortunately the rest of you is a drunken scumbag

Jake [about Prudence]: Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yeah, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones

Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in three years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a four-year-old

Alan: Morning, Berta. Need some help?
Berta: Yeah, come to my house and explain to my daughter that we don't put up bail for cute guys with Costa Rican passports

Berta: Well, you don't have to worry about paying me this week, Charlie.
Charlie: Thank you, Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way. Call me when things pick up

Berta: Wait a minute. Isn't she the one who dumped you?
Alan: Someone dumped Charlie?!?!
Berta: Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic!

Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick

Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking

Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Charlie: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "drink this bottle of prune juice"

Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: Should be, you did it twice

Berta: Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going thorough a divorce and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of sting cheese he hasn't processed

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.