What's the oompa loompa doing here on a weekday?Berta [about Jake]
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Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug
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Charlie [to Norman]: I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.
Berta: Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.
Charlie [to Berta]: I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?
Berta: I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.
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Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig
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Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
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Charlie [in pain on the floor]: New planâ€”I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a coupla calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine. Mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. I just want it to go away
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Berta: Show of handsâ€”who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car? [Berta raises her hand] That's what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. I have three buses to catch. [Berta leaves]
Charlie: I bet she catches them by hand
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Berta: Oh, damn it.
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line
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Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
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