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Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos

Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts

Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!

Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk

Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara

Charlie: So what do you think?
Berta: About what?
Charlie: Lisa, me, the kid.
Berta: Ok, let's see now... This is the same women you've broken up and gotten back together with for years, right?
Charlie: Right.
Berta: And she turned you down in order to marry somebody else?
Charlie: Yes.
Berta: And then the marriage fell apart and now she got his baby?
Charlie: Ya.
Berta: Sounds perfect. Go for it!

Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas

Daisy: I'm staying at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea, maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there

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