Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Berta: Seems like this house haunted; by an old spirit that does not just want to move.
Alan: Hey , you are not blaming this on me, okay?

Alan: Wow, seems like just yesterday, he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica.
Berta: Now, he is a fuzz-face, buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

I try not to insult people who can come back and haunt me.

You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live came to live in this house for a few days, maybe you've met him, and he is the pot-soaked, masturbating, couch-eating potato who eats all your cookies.

My point being, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I want a fully-funded 401K and a Camaro.

Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.

This guy is like genital herpes. once you got him, you get him for life.

Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.

Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 151 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it