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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: She just wants to take advantage of Walden.
Berta: You do hear yourself talk, right?
Alan: Yes, I am a mooch, but I am not dangerous.

That, my friends, is what happens when hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.

Berta: You can just keep staring at your laptop all day.
Walden: I made a billion dollars doing this.
Berta: Well, carry on.

Berta: Seems like this house haunted; by an old spirit that does not just want to move.
Alan: Hey , you are not blaming this on me, okay?

Alan: Wow, seems like just yesterday, he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica.
Berta: Now, he is a fuzz-face, buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

I try not to insult people who can come back and haunt me.

You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live came to live in this house for a few days, maybe you've met him, and he is the pot-soaked, masturbating, couch-eating potato who eats all your cookies.

My point being, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I want a fully-funded 401K and a Camaro.

Walden: Is he prone to mental breakdowns?
Berta: Prone? No. Eligible? Certainly.

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