Two and a Half Men

Berta Quotes (Page 5)

Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking

 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [about Alan and Chelsea becoming friends]: This is the perfect set up for you
Charlie: How do you figure?
Berta: Do you like to go shopping?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to watch chick flicks?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Zippy do
Charlie: Oh right...
Berta: He digs the trench, you lay the pipe
 • Rating: 4.5 / 5.0

Berta: Okay you and me need to talk
Charlie: I know I know. you didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough you have to put up with zippy and the chip
Berta: No, I like her better than you so for now on I'm working for her
Charlie: What?
Berta: You need something? You ask her, she talks to me, we decide
Charlie: I don't get vote?
Berta: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote our of three. Good luck with that
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Boy, take one day off for a poker tournament, you miss a whole lot around here.
Charlie: You said you were sick.
Berta: I was healed, it's a miracle!
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Charlie doesn't go near sick women, I mean physically sick. Around here, one sneeze will get you cab fair and a travel mug
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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