Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

Charlie: So that's it, that's all I have to look forward to? A wife that has to go to a happy place every time I have sex with her.
Berta: Is Chelsea complaining?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Can you read her mind?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then don't worry about it.

Charlie: Hey, didn't see you there.
Berta: That's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.

Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.

Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.

Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.

Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking

Berta: OK, I'm outta here.
Alan: Hey, Berta, did you hear the news about Mom?
Berta: Yeah, she joined the Mormon Church so she can get a rent controlled apartment in Salt Lake City. Oh, you mean your mom. No.
Charlie: We're getting a new dad!
Alan: He's great! His name is Teddy!
Charlie: He took us to a boxing match!
Alan: He bought us prostitutes and gelato!

Berta: See, my problem is that I'm a giver. I love too much. And it's always the wrong man.
Fernando: You have romance in your heart.
Berta: Oh, I have romance all over me. I reek of it

Displaying quotes 64 - 72 of 151 in total