Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: Berta. How long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working"

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."

Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion

Berta: What's going on?
Jake: I had to sleep in dad's room last night 'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...
Berta: Got it

Berta: Here's your suit.
Charlie: Thanks.
Berta: The dry cleaners found $46 and a condom in the pocket of your coat. Here's the condom.
Charlie: Again, thanks.
Berta: Can I give you free advice?
Charlie: "Free?" I'm already out 46 dollars

Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Berta [on Charlie's relationship]

You know your problem? Phone cohones! When you're on the phone with her, you've got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

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