Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Alan: They fired you for being pregnant?
Naomi: Yep! Being pregnant...and stealing a few office supplies.
Berta: Eight computers and a Xerox machine.
Naomi: Not all at once!

Bertha: Come on here, zippy!
Alan [to Naomi]: Zippy is a name she calls me because I'm... quick! [to Berta]: What?!
Bertha: What do you think you are doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility! I want her to make some money from a dignified job.
Alan: Oh, please, what dignity can a woman have from making laundry and cleaning toilets? ...I...I...I'll tell you what dignity! One really good one, the best there is. I take my hat off, and goodnight

Berta: Chose your words carefully, slim
Lydia: Slim? Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference, between those two broads, is that you came out of one and you...
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Charlie [to Jake]: If you really want to make some extra cash, I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do.
Berta: Oh, yeah, there's big money in that

Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine

Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry

Berta [about Alan and Chelsea becoming friends]: This is the perfect set up for you
Charlie: How do you figure?
Berta: Do you like to go shopping?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to watch chick flicks?
Charlie: No
Berta: Zippy does. Do you like to talk for hours about your feelings?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Zippy do
Charlie: Oh right...
Berta: He digs the trench, you lay the pipe

Berta: Okay you and me need to talk
Charlie: I know I know. you didn't sign up for this. You work for me, not for her, and it's bad enough you have to put up with zippy and the chip
Berta: No, I like her better than you so for now on I'm working for her
Charlie: What?
Berta: You need something? You ask her, she talks to me, we decide
Charlie: I don't get vote?
Berta: Yeah, you get a vote. One vote our of three. Good luck with that

Berta: Boy, take one day off for a poker tournament, you miss a whole lot around here.
Charlie: You said you were sick.
Berta: I was healed, it's a miracle!

Charlie [about Kandi]: Congratulations, Alan, it looks like you've officially boinked her brains out.
Alan: Okay, so she's not overly sophisticated.
Berta: Sophisticated? She's two marbles rolling around in a tin can.
Alan: Hey, hey, she's got a great heart, she's warm and loving, and she genuinely cares for me.
Berta: I stand corrected... one marble

Displaying quotes 97 - 108 of 151 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.