Bree: Chuck and I went to the cellar to choose a wine, and when we were done, my entrée was smoking.
Mrs. McCluskey: I bet it was.

Bree: I'm not sure these clothes are quite the thing for a dinner party.
Renee: Dinner? I wouldn't wear them to a drive-by shooting.

Bree: Gaby, if you're really serious, I will set you up with a class at my gun range. They'll teach you about gun safety. You will get a permit. And then, we'll see about you getting a gun.

Gaby: Great! So, in the meantime, if skulking guy breaks into my house, I'm just going to yell, "Freeze! I'm taking a class!"

Bree: Gaby, I'm not giving you a gun.
Gaby: Why not? I let you borrow things all the time.

Chuck: I'm sure you want to avoid another mistake like your second husband, the hit-and-run driver. Orson, was it?
Bree: What?
Chuck: Tell me who was creepier... him or the pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating?

You found something bad? Is he a dirty cop...or a Democrat?

Renee: I never date a guy until I've done a complete background check.
Bree: Maybe I'll just Google him.
Renee: Amateur.

Gaby: Girls, no running.
Bree: Is that all you're going to do?
Gaby: Of course not. Next time, I'll trip one of them.

Bree: There were two dozen cookies on that plate.
Gaby: Yeah, you can't leave food out. They're like bears - you've gonna have to to tie it up in a tree.

Susan: Look at me! I should buy a lottery ticket right now.
Bree: Yes, you should. Then, you should "eat it!"

Bree: Who is this victim number one?
Andrew: Mr. Solis - After all, I sort of did kill his mom.

Bree: A woman felt desperate and alone and killed herself because nobody cared enough to help her, and the thing is - I was there. I saw that something was wrong, and I walked away and I am never going to let myself do that again and certainly not with you.
Andrew: Alex left me. I guess he just got sick of living with a drunk. What did I do? I wrecked my marriage.
Bree: Look, it's going to get better. I promise you it's going to get better. But for that to start, you need to go to a meeting.
Andrew: I can't get up in front of a bunch of strangers and talk about this.
Bree: Then, we can have a meeting right here. Just the two of us - what do you say?

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

(narrating) The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recongnize them? They are the ones who are missed so terribly, everything falls apart in their absence. (Shot of Andrew and Bree packing his suitcase, placing a photo of Rex inside last.) They are the ones who love us, long before we even arrive. (Shot of Carlos smiling as he rubs Gabrielle's stomach.) They are the ones who come looking for us, when we can't find our way home. (Shot of Mike walking Bongo as he looks at a flyer of Zach's) Yes, the world is filled with good fathers. And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives feel like good mothers (Shot of Tom comforting Lynette as she cries)

Mary Alice