Bree: It's six o'clock. How long have you been kneeling there?
Keith: I don't know, but after you answer this, I'm gonna need you to help me up.

Keith's mother: I promise to be on my best behavior.
Bree: I know you will. Because, as Keith told you, I have guns.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to ask if I can stand in their walk-in freezer.

Do you wanna talk about my perfect lawn? Nine years ago, my son found me face down drunk on it. It's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?

Bree: I'll come if I can bring Keith.
Renee: I guess one child would be okay.

I better figure out a way to slow him down before this John Wayne walk becomes permanent.

Let's see. I'm getting a divorce, I lost my business, and I'm sitting here trying to remember why I quit drinking. I've had better Mondays.

You can never go wrong with a genuine compliment.

Bree: So we're back to being friends?
Susan: We never really stopped.

(to Orson) I am not sleeping in a bed that had your dead mistress' teeth in it!

Gloria: Hey Bree, may I come in?
Bree: What's a garden without a snake?

Bree: (to Gloria) Are those shoes suede?
Gloria: Yes, why?
Bree: (sprays Gloria's shoes with the garden hose) No reason.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently. Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week's time, she'd be pregnant

Mary Alice