Carolyn: There's never a good reason for hitting a woman.
Bree: I used to think that too. Then I met you. Good day.

Ida: Bree, have you heard?
Bree: Awful, just awful. Deviled egg?
Ida: (after Bree lets them in and walks away.) I told you she'd have food.

(Orson is explaining to Bree that it was an accident what it said about Alma on the police report)
Bree: By the way, to remove a red wine stain, you sprinkle salt to absorb it.
Orson: That's just what I was saying to Alma when she clocked me!

Bree: Orson, if you have a moment, there is something I would like your thoughts on.
Orson: Certainly. What is it? The menu for our Holiday open house?
Bree: No, it's a police report from the night you beat your first wife. I'm still working on the menu.

Bree: Is my daughter alright?
Doctor: She'll be fine. The wounds are very superficial.
Andrew: (smirks) So is the patient.

Doctor: She's resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She said she only took three sedatives.
Andrew: She's disorientated, pump her.
Bree: Andrew, (Bree looks at doctor) Pump her.
Bree: They're sticking a tube down her throat. Do you still think this is funny?
Andrew: Mom this was a half ass bid for attention.
Bree: This was a cry for help and if we don't listen, the next time she could do something even more dangerous.
Andrew: (smirks) Yeah next time she might jump off the porch.

Danielle: (to Bree) When are you going to take me seriously?!
Bree: When you start acting like an adult.
Andrew: She sleeps with them, that's a start.

Bree: Now what were you going to say?
Andrew: Well, um...Danielle is upstairs trying to commit suicide.
(Bree questions Andrew with a look, then rushes upstairs with Orson)
Andrew: No rush...she isn't trying that hard!

Bree: I am so tired of feeling like the worst mother who ever lived.
Andrew: You're not. There's grandma.
Bree: I just... I've tried so hard to set a good example. I've done the best I could to teach you kids right from wrong. Why isn't it taking?
Andrew: It took. I mean, we know the difference between right and wrong. We just chose wrong.
Bree: Why?
Andrew: Sometimes, when you push a kid really hard to go one way, the other way starts to look more entertaining.
Bree: (smiling) You're awful.
Andrew: I know. I blame shuddy parenting.

Bree: I'm not telling who it is. I'm just asking the question. If you know a husband has been unfaithful, do you tell the wife?
Lynette: Absolutely! If he's been cheating, he could bring home a disease.
Bree: Okay, that's what I was thinking. I mean, that's how Bunny Connors got chlamydia.
Gabrielle: She told me she got it from wearing someone else's bathing suit.
Lynette: No, that's how she got crabs.
Gabrielle: With Bunny, it's always something. If it's not the clap, it's a botched face lift.

Orson: When Andrew was on the street, he...uh...he didn't just beg for money. At times he...well, he did things to earn it.
Bree: Well, good. I mean, I'd hate to think he had no work ethic at all.
Orson: What I mean is, men hired him...uh...to do things...things he wasn't very proud of.
Bree: Yardwork?
Orson: 'Fraid not.
Bree: Orson, you're scaring me. Did he do something awful?
Orson: No, no. Not awful. People do it all the time. I do it with you. I just don't pay you for it. (Bree's jaw drops and she gasps) I think someone could use some cocoa.

(On the airport after Bree saw a report on TV about homeless teenagers)
Orson: Bree, what's the matter?
Bree: A reporter just did a story on homeless teens, and my son was one of them.
Orson: Oh, my God. Well, we'll call child welfare the minute we get to the resort.
Bree: Orson, you can't imagine that we're still going!
Orson: Darling, the tickets are nonrefundable.
Bree: My son is eating out of dumpsters!
Orson: Yes, but think how much better you'll be able to deal with this crisis after a nice, relaxing...
Bree: Orson! My child is in trouble. Don't make me choose between the two of you, because believe me, you will lose.

Desperate Housewives Quotes

I love you once. I love you twice. I love you more than beans and rice.

Mike

So you're just not gonna talk to me, is that it? Fine. I don't need to talk. Okay. Yes, I had a little affair. It wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not proud of it. But it's not the worst thing that could have happened. Nobody died. Oh, don't be such a martyr, Carlos. Okay, it takes two people. How many times did you go off on your little business trips and leave me alone? See, so technically, you cheated, too. It's just your mistress was your work.

Gabrielle